The best pseudo-sexual Editorial Ever Written

Someone once asked me, "Why are guys so quiet in bed." And while this is by no means true for all guys, here is my answer.

Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to be generally the guy's job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I've got to offer. Again, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.

Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy.

Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:


"Alright, time for some action"
"I hope I don't **** up this time"
"Is that the right hole?"
"Oh wait, there it is"
"All right, lets start out slow"

It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.

BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved."
BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her"
<soft moaning starts>
BRAIN: "She's making noises!"
BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?"
BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little"
<increased moaning"
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"
<Moans quieting>
BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?"
BRAIN: "**** it, lets try a different position"
WOMAN: "OUCH!"
BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: "What are you doing?"
BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!"
BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!"
BRAIN: "Open flaps"
BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged"
BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters"
BRAIN: "Systems check"
ME: "You allright?"
WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah"
BRAIN: "No system damage"
ME: "Allright, lets try this again"

—five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: "Allright, back on track"
<Moans increasing in volume and frequency>
BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position"
<Full body blush commencing>
BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon"
<Back arching>
BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....."
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: "Oh shit"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!"
<Moaning above 80 decibals>
BRAIN: "Just a little longer"
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: "****! I'm not going to make it"
BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out"
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!"
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
COMPUTER: <Target heart rate reached>
COMPUTER: <Breathing nominal>
BRAIN: "Must....hold....on"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "can't.....hold it"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now"
COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING"
<keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr SPLAT!>
COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING"
<THUD>
WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?"
ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...."
WOMAN: "Sorry" <blush>
ME: No, the other head"
WOMAN: "What?"
ME: Nothing"
ME: Did you cum"
WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice"
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice"
WOMAN: "You're so weird"
ME: You should try being the pilot next time"
WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee"

Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he's feeling"
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.

 

... lmao I ****ing lol'd

 

omg lol.....



wow x.x;

 

so true...so true.... but i seriously LOL'D AT THIS ONE : "get off me, i need to pee" xDDD

 

...still reading... will reply soon ..

 

um ok lol

 

where the is my ear gamez staff! give me back my ear! hahaha

 

I LOL'D @ this. xD

 

Definitely true for me, lol.

 

never should see this.:surprised:

 

zzz... virgin!

 

not, sure.:smile:

 

Haha i LOL'ed at that too.

 

Really? This piece was really popular the first time I had it published.

It's been in Arizona's New Times weekly, I've posted it to Gaiaonline and just about every forum I've ever been a part of.

My gift to you!

 

Wow, I'm surprised I hadn't seen this before, this is epic and besides all the imagery I had of an airplane crash landing, oh so true xD

 

Lmao.

MAYDAY MAYDAY! ;p

 

XD
Thanks, chief.
Maybe you hadn't seen it before because I wasn't a forum member till recently?

 

does this mean noisy men dont multi-task or has no brain?

 

Of course, then there are some people who try to push the limits as far as possible, lol. Some call them perverts, others call them sick f**ks. lol.

 

You need to bake more cakes.

Also not a fan of cropo's new sig, but didn't like his old one much either :s. Go back to acheron's avatar