Great...

I kinda took the time last night to really sit down and think about my life as a whole. Like when things in my life started and for what reason and how I can go about changing it.

I really think my clinging to people really started as a child. I was kinda an outcast through elementary school. I was bullied by almost everyone in my class. There were a few people that didn't care and just minded their own business but I was kinda a wimp back then, and I was unnatural. I wasn't a girly girl like all the other girls. Back in my old school girls stuck with girls and guys stuck with guys and no one really broke that code but me. I wasn't into the girly stuff, even back then I was a gaming nerd. I was the one girl that sat on the playground and looked at her pokemon cards, or plaid her gameboy in school. So I got picked on for it because I was different. I remember someone stole my game boy once, I never took that out of my locker again during school :B. But I never really had any friends growing up until I hit 6th grade and I got into an anime group. But then right after that happened we moved and I, yet again had to start over. I really think it just came from me being so picked on and bullied and beat up my whole life with no one but my family to protect me that when I do make a friend I tend to cling to them because i'm just afraid of being alone, hell i'm downright terrified of it. And I like talking to people, If you met me IRL you'd really know i'm a hyper talkative person when i'm having fun. [even now you probably do]

I can see how it gets annoying, I just never thought twice about it. No one ever told me to back off or leave them alone. I know I really do need to work on it, it's just going to be a bit hard because i'm so used to it and have never noticed until now.

And then yah, I should try to distance myself from my emotions more but that's also hard. I have chronic anxiety and slight depression [and don't say that is not a medical condition and i'm a pussy because it really is, it was passed down from my mom who also has anxiety, and my sister has it. I actually do take medication for it.] So when I do get emo it tends to get over worked because my brain makes everything feel 10 times worse than it actually is. I have been getting better about it and have gotten my anxiety to a point where I rarely have panic attacks, but I still overreact to things.

This whole experience has really been a wake up call for me though...it was a really big slap to the face that if I don't do something soon that i'll become the forever alone meme.

The good thing is though that once we get more settled into our new home I am going to set up a tour of the tech college here and hopefully go there so I can actually meet people, and they have a gaming club there to XD. I'm really trying to keep looking at the positives it just really hard, the thought of almost loosing your only friend. I care so much about people that it drives them away.

 

I know this may sound stupid but try to think of this for a second:

Unless you're -really- good at keeping in touch with people, its very rare for people to ever talk to friends they knew before college ever again once they're out of high school and into the adult life.

That being said, imagine you're one tiny speck of a person on a giant globe (Earth) of 6+ billion people. Each person, in the grand scheme of things is nothing more than a particle of dust compared to the world as a whole.

Zoom out a bit more, and now the Earth itself is but a particle of dust compared to our solar system. Our solar system is but a particle of dust to the universe, etc. etc., I'm assuming you get where this is going.

We like to latch on to things we like so we don't lose them, but one day everyone you know will be dead, and you will be dead at one point too. There is no avoiding that, so theres no way you can prevent loss. This also translates to the fact that one day, you wont know what it feels like to be criticized by people anymore, anything bad or good that you've ever done in your life won't matter to you anymore.

I know this may sound horribly depressing, but what I'm trying to say is that theres so much more to humanity than a few friends, it may not be easy to meet them, and there may be times when you get really stressed and depressed and whatever else, but one day that won't matter, so why dwell on it? Be crazy, go up and talk to people even if you think it could be embarrassing, don't tunnel vision on a single friend (in doing this you'll give them more space and appear less annoying/clingy), and live your life how you want to.

Obviously this isn't easy, I remind myself of stuff like this all the time and I still have trouble following it, but the best thing you can possibly do is just meet more and more friends and not focus on a single one. You should care about them, but don't feel like you deserve to be alone, or that you just aren't ready to fit in with most people, because that isn't true and that should be what depresses you, that you could even think like that when you'd be selfish not to talk to more of the billions of people out there that may really want a friend like you.

 

I'm not antisocial I'm just anti stupids.

 

I think sometimes when ppl act clingy and are very talkative like they kinda depend on other ppl, those ppl can use that agains em, coz they know that they can say or do abt *ANYTHING* and yet since ur so clingy, youll always be there, no matter what. So the best thing here is to act in a way that says ur *NOT* always gonna be there. ignore her a bit, tell her ur busy when she wants to talk to ya and then maybe she will start to miss you and cling on you. also maybeh she just needs some space, and this way youll give her that opportunity too.

ohh and remeber..some ppl are jsut to proud to get all clingy just coz they miss someone, so make sure that you get back to her after a little while and get clingy again and see if she then starts to cling too. coz otherwise if you jsut ignore her and wait for her to come and she doesnt, even if she wants to you might kill the relationship alltogheter. so remeber to check back in! and youll be fine :w00t: